“If you see something, say something.” That’s been a public safety mantra since September 11th, urging people to speak up if they see something suspicious, prodding us to act on those opportunities to avert disaster.
Clearly DHS isn’t wasting its money on graphic designers!
A few posts I’ve read this week have me wondering if the same principle should–or should not–apply to our observations about our friends. If we see something about them that raises concerns, should we say something?
Carla shared this post from Glennon on Momastery, which I think falls on the say something side of the debate. Granted, Glennon asked her friend how she looked, but she was grateful for her friend’s honesty when she told her that she looked like shit.
Then I read this post from Kathy on Running Through Shades of Blue, which I think falls on the other side. Now, Kathy overheard someone commenting on her weight, but after reading the flood of feelings that a few words triggered, I certainly would hesitate to comment on someone else’s weight. But some of the other things Kathy shared have me thinking that maybe her post falls on the say something side of the debate after all.
Rightly or wrongly, because of my own personal experience, when I see someone who is very overweight, I wonder what is going on in her life that got her to that place. It could be the way she was raised, the environment she lives in, emotional eating, stress eating, celebratory eating, a health condition, or a host of other reasons. I’m not judging when I notice someone’s weight, I’m remembering my own issues and how hard it was is to overcome them.
See Something
When I see a friend who has gained a noticeable amount of weight, I am more than curious. I am concerned. If there is something going on in her life that is triggering stress eating or if she is trying to sooth herself with food, I want to remind her that I am a friend she can talk to. If she is forgetting to put on her own oxygen mask first, I want to remind her that it’s not selfish to take time to care for herself and/or that no job is worth sacrificing her health. If she is coping with a crisis, I want to know if there is any way I can help.
Say Something?
But what if she’s just been having a lot of fun lately? Happy hours, dinner parties and birthday cake can show up on your waistline just as much as a bag of chips eaten alone at night, as can work dinners at fancy restaurants and vacation meals enjoyed at exotic destinations.
Public safety officials know that “see something say something” will lead to a high number of false alarms, but they would rather err on the side of safety. Recently we had two major scares where someone reported hearing gun shots at The Navy Yard (not again!) and Walter Reed Medical Center. After hours of lockdown, evacuations, searches and investigations, officials concluded that both incidents were false alarms, but now they are making an effort to commend the people who thought they saw something for speaking up, because the economic losses of the false alarms are a small price to pay for potentially saving lives.
[Tweet “Does See Something Say Something Apply To Friends?”]
So, if I see something about a friend that raises concerns, I think I should say something. That something probably shouldn’t be
“Gosh! You’ve gained weight!” or
“Aren’t those your fat jeans?”
But maybe
“How are you — really?”
with gently probing follow-up until I hit a mind-your-own-business wall could help me avert disaster–or at least show my friend that someone really does care.
What do you think — say something or mind your own business?
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You know I adored that article and have thought about it so much since.
For me it goes down like this 🙂
If I see something and I think about it more than once – – I act.
How I respond depends on the situation and the person. It could just be”showing up” more (literally and figuratively) or be more action based. It all depends on the person. And I tend to believe the person always knows my intent.
hmmm…I do not think I would comment on someone’s weight unless I was really worried about their health. I used to work in the eating disorders field so lots of thoughts on that. I do want to comment on women who don’t wear the right sports bra-it’s painful to watch
It sounds like your intentions are good and based out of concern, but I personally wouldn’t comment on someone’s weight. The person knows they’ve gained weight, they know what is going on, and whether they have been working hard to lose it with no results or it’s all they can do right now to simply survive, I can’t fix it for them.
I’ve gained about 35 pounds over the last few years. I’m still extremely active but I’m heavier than I was. And people have noticed, but they couldn’t fix it for me. They could only make me feel worse about myself than I unfortunately already did. I’m an emotional eater, like sit in the ICU and eat every desert I can kind of eater. It wasn’t the best choice of coping mechanism, but it was the only thing I could do when the world fell apart and I started to drown in it. I wouldn’t have wanted a well intentioned lecture from a friend in the middle of it all because what I needed was someone to sit in the deep end with me. Just my experience.
Kathy, I really appreciate your comment. I wouldn’t ask someone about their weight, but maybe noticing their weight gain would nudge me to really ask about how they are doing — to use your analogy, to see if I can hold their hand in the deep end and maybe lift them up for air. I totally understand stress eating as coping mechanism. Actually, for me, realizing that food is not the worst way of coping was key to stopping the cycle of beating myself up over it. I still try to cope in other ways, but when a crappy day sends me diving into the Honey Bunches of Oats, I just brush off the crumbs and move on, instead of berating myself and trying to starve myself to make up for it.
I don’t know with things like weight gain… for the most part, I think people know how they look and whether their clothes are feeling tight. I would comment on other signs of distress I might have seen… i.e. you seem like you haven’t been sleeping, we haven’t seen you out much, etc. in case the person is waiting for a prompt to be able to talk. I think it helps to phrase it in terms of the actual concern and not weight. As you said, that may just be about having too much fun lately 🙂
Ooo…this can be a really hard one. I tend to not ever make comments about anyone’s weight, and have always operated more on a “if they want to tell me, they’ll tell me–I don’t want to pry” sort of mentality, but for certain friends where I know they do have a tendency to bottle things up, I’ll gently nudge/ask if everything’s okay + let them know I’m around if they need someone to talk to/listen.
I do believe in saying something as soon as I figure out the right way to say it first 🙂 I would never want to make a bad situation worse!
Wow-this is a really, really tough topic! I agree that a big weight gain might be there’s more than meets the eye going on. But at the same time, I would probably wimp out in being very direct. I like your approach of “how are you–really?”
Thought provoking post!
Thanks. It is a tough situation, but I think too often we let our friends get away with faking it through tough times.
What a great thought provoking post. I don’t think any of my friends would tell me if they noticed I was gaining weight—simply because I am a healthy living blogger and I run a lot and I would make it right. My mom on the other had tells it to me straight which is hard to hear but invigorating at the same time. I have a certain friend going through a really hard time right now and she does not like being babied so I have to play like nothing is wrong, its so tough for me, but it is what she needs.
I don’t think weight is something you should ever mention or, more importantly, use as a barometer to judge someone’s health. Firstly, weight is in no way an accurate measure of someone’s overall health or fitness. Secondly, both weight and health (and whether or not someone chooses to prioritize them) are deeply personal and complicated issues that absolutely do not require or benefit from “friendly” intervention. Fat people know we’re fat, I promise. And we’ve either chosen to deal with that in our own ways, or chosen not to, and neither choice should be open to the scrutiny of even our closest friends. It’s not a public service to assume someone’s weight equates to their health and, as such, to express your concern. For most people, that likely constitutes an invasive and unwelcome intrusion.
If someone ASKS for your opinion or advice, give it truthfully and willingly, but don’t offer up your opinions without prompting.
Great food for thought. Not sure how I feel about it… I am too diplomatic to says things directly, but gentle prodding to see what was up would be more my style. You can never take back a comment and words can hurt badly, so I prefer to tread very lightly. Even with a friend.
It’s definitely a sensitive subject, and different people have such different views on whether they would want someone to say something or not!