Last Sunday I randomly was the reader for this section of The Prayers Of The People:
We remember with thanksgiving those who have died in Christ, and those whose faith is known to You alone. . . .
Since last weekend was the anniversary of my Dad’s sudden death, this prayer stayed with me more than it usually does. I was calm when I read it, but later I remembered bursting into tears last year, when his name was spoken in the added “especially … ” clause.
Contemplating my calm, I wondered if this is where I am–remembering with thanksgiving. But I don’t think I’m there yet.
I’ve been doing lots of remembering, but I am not really cherishing or relishing my memories. I appreciate them for a moment, but then I need to push them away, because they still are accompanied by the sharp pain of loss and grief.
Saying this prayer, I give thanks for my Dad, for his life, and for his love, but this prayer also gives me hope that someday my memories will be more sweet than bittersweet, and that I really will be able to remember with thanksgiving.
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It isn't easy losing a parent, even if you know it's coming. We lost my dad to cancer in February 2001. While I wanted him to stay longer, I knew he was suffering so much, and that God needed to answer his prayers, not mine. There are times it still hits me how much I miss him, but there are times were you can, indeed, remember with thanksgiving.
I like the idea of God answering his prayers, not yours. That's very powerful.