Why Do I Do What I Do Not Want To Do?

Breaking Bad Habits

Breaking free of an old habit or trying to instill a new one can be so frustrating. I can spend all day making excellent food choices, only to be undone by a bag of chips at night.  I can plan a kick-ass workout to start my day, only to hit the snooze button until I barely have time to get ready for work. Then that annoying co-worker I vowed not to bitch about anymore gets on my last nerve (again) and I find myself venting uncharitably to a sympathetic colleague.When I catch myself falling short of these simple goals, my first reaction is not pretty. The negative self talk is quick to rear its ugly head, and the things I say to myself are not kind. Usually it’s something along the lines of “Really? Again? Why? How hard could it be?” Often childish name-calling comes into play as well: “Dumb!” or “Stupid!” (with or without a derogatory cuss word). Of course, beating myself up doesn’t make me less likely to make the same (poor) choice the next time. What is more helpful is taking it in stride, figuring out “why” from a more compassionate perspective, and thinking of positive strategies to try to implement next time–because there will be a next time! It also helps to remember that breaking bad habits is hard, and that falling short of our own expectations is part of our humanity.

Today’s New Testament reading from Romans 7: 15-25, reminded me of just how universal this struggle is. Paul writes:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.
What a wretched man I am!
Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

His writing is a bit hard to follow, but when I read it as a rambling rant against himself, it sounds all too familiar! Paul is upset because, over and over again, he isn’t doing what he wants to do, but instead is doing what he doesn’t want to do. He is torn between his “inner being” that knows what is right and genuinely wants to do it, and the “sin” living within him that has other plans.

I’m not a Biblical scholar, so I don’t know what shortcomings Paul is lamenting, and I’m not one to elevate poor food/exercise/health choices to the level of “sin,” but the analogy fits if I take it down a notch. I want to make healthy food choices, I want to workout, I want to bite my tongue instead of complaining about someone else, but I don’t always do what I want to do and all too often do what I don’t want to do: pig out, sleep in, and gossip.Paul’s solution to his problem–salvation through Jesus Christ–seems a bit much when applied to diet and fitness issues, but the unconditional love, compassion and patience that Jesus offers each one of us as we strive to make better choices sets a good example for how we can treat ourselves, and gently coax ourselves into letting go of what we don’t want to do and doing what we do want to do.